We’ve all been there. While picking the kids up from school, or when they walk into the house, well-meaning parents and guardians ask, “How was your day?” only to be met with a mumbled, “Fine.” No eye contact, no attempt at elaborating, followed by trudging to their room or staring at the contents of the fridge or pantry. You might be at your wit’s end trying to get meaningful answers from your teen or youngster. The good news is that with a few small adjustments to your approach and the way you frame questions, you will have a much better shot at getting authentic answers from your teens and younger kids.
We as adults tend to forget that, along with their physical growth, there is a tremendous amount of cognitive, emotional and psychological development taking place, along with hormonal fluctuations throughout childhood. This means that kids very often do not have the capacity or the capability to put what they feel and think into words.
The frontal cortex is the part of the brain that controls complex cognitive processes like critical thinking, decision-making, social behaviour, personality expression, speech and language and more. This vital part of the brain is only fully developed between the ages of 25 and 30. While these skills continue to develop throughout children’s lives, accessing higher-level thinking is also highly dependent on many other factors, like their current capacity, how tired they are, how much the day has already asked of them, and their stress and anxiety levels.
Teenagers and younger children struggle to respond meaningfully to vague, ‘big’ questions like “How was school?” It requires them to condense their whole day, with all its various experiences, emotions, interactions and nuance, into one concise answer. So defaulting to “fine” is much easier. Especially right after school, when they are already tired and processing the mental, emotional and physical demands of the school day. However, parents can help them develop their ability to put those complex thoughts and feelings into words by framing their questions in a way that children can more easily respond to.
Initiating a Conversation About School
Ask specific questions that are easier for your child to answer instead of the sweeping, “How was your day at school?” For example, try:
“What was the best part of your day?”
“What did you learn today that surprised you/sparked your interest?”
“Who did you hang out with at break?”
These questions keep the conversation light, but still show that you are interested in what actually happened for them. When you can see your child is tired, overwhelmed or needs to decompress, keep the conversation breezy, or even silly, so that they don’t feel like it is just another demand on them after a taxing day. When they seem more relaxed or centred, you can ask questions that maybe require a bit more thought, like:
“Which teacher inspires you the most?”
“Was there a moment today that made you feel anxious/worried?” Maybe follow that up with “How did you handle it?”
“Is there anything in (subject x) that you wish you could learn more about?”
“If you could choose anything you’re interested in to be taught at school, what would it be?”
“What do you wish the school taught you that isn’t included?”
“If you were teacher X, how would you have handled that situation?”
“Did you do something nice for someone today, or did you see anyone else doing something nice for someone?”
Asking Questions About Studying
“Have you studied/done your homework?” will, at best, get you a “yes”, “not yet” or “sort of.” For kids, it can feel like you are interrogating them, policing them or being judgmental of how much they are doing or how they are spending their time. We also assume that kids just know how to study, but where should they learn these skills? Schools do not have time to teach what to study and HOW to study it. Especially not a class of children with various learning challenges. So, many kids are left to just figure it out for themselves. Some parents may be able to give their kids guidance, but unless they are specifically trained in or very experienced with study methods, they will most likely revert to whatever they did when they were in school.
Parents can initiate a real conversation about studying and schoolwork by becoming genuinely curious instead of just checking up on whether their child is doing what they are ‘supposed to.’ Ask detailed questions that show you are interested, not just in whether your child will perform well in a test, but in how they feel about the work they are learning, and how they are actually coping with the workload and the associated stress, anxiety or frustration.
Examples:
“What was the most interesting thing you learned or discovered this week? In class or outside of it?”
“What is your favourite subject?” Followed up with “What is it that makes you excited about it
Follow-up questions show that you are listening, and that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say and how they think and feel.
“What do you find hardest about studying?”
“What would make the process of studying easier for you?”
“What is your strategy for preparing for the upcoming test/exam?”
“Would you like help in drawing up a study schedule?”
“Are you learning anything these days that you are really excited about or interested in?”
If your child is struggling with a particular subject, you could try asking them something like:
“What do you need in subject X that you are not finding in your class?”
“Is there anything in subject X that you are finding particularly hard to grasp?”
These questions show your child that you are interested in what they are learning and what their experience of the process of learning is. But more than that, it will also encourage your child to think about these things in a different way, or on a deeper level. By asking a child what the most beautiful thing they saw today was, or what really made them smile, we also plant a seed in their mind to be more aware of their environment, and to notice these things more on a daily basis. You might find your child initiating more conversations that centre on what they have seen, heard, felt or experienced instead of just reporting back.
Talking About Exams
Even before any conversations about exams and coping, parents create the atmosphere at home. You, as a parent or guardian, are their emotional anchor. So make that little bit of extra effort before the start of exam season to create a positive, encouraging and supportive atmosphere at home. This starts with how your child wakes up in the morning, what kind of breakfast they eat before school, and what they take with them to snack on between exams or at break time.
Many kids and teenagers don’t eat before school or exams, and this causes their stress hormones to spike because the body reacts to an empty stomach even if you don’t feel hungry. Protein is direct brain food and a solid option for breakfast or a school snack. I talk about this and other practical tips related to exam preparation in more detail in my upcoming online presentation, Compassionate Parenting: Practical Ways to Support Your Child During Exams.
As for questions, parents can focus again on keeping it light during school pick-up or when kids get home. Pay attention to their body language and facial expressions, and adjust your tone and phrasing accordingly. If you can see they are tired, distracted or just not feeling their best, try to keep it simple.
“How did you feel before you started writing?”
“Do you have a way to regulate when you are feeling a bit stressed or anxious?” This might be followed up with, “Do you want some help finding what works for you?”
“Which was the easiest part for you?” “Why do you think that is?”
“What did they not ask that you had studied?” could be followed up with “Was there anything you couldn’t quite remember that you did study?”
When asking about upcoming tests, “What are you focusing on today?” sounds less interrogative than “When are you studying?”
Make sure they are taking proper breaks between study sessions. Support that by offering a snack, tea, or an invitation to go for a walk around the block. The idea is to show interest in their experience of the exam, instead of focusing solely on the outcome or the marks they expect to get. Help them to realise that the process of studying, of learning how to organise your time, your workload, prioritising, showing up and being consistent, is the stuff that is going to count in their favour long-term, long after they have matriculated.
Enquiring About Their Friends
Asking your teenager about their friends can quite often feel like a potential minefield. My best advice is to keep it easy and remain curious. Reserve judgment and take others’ opinions with a grain of salt. Meet their friends and decide for yourself. Make your home a safe space for your child’s friends so they feel comfortable hanging out there. And above all, avoid the urge to swoop in with ‘solutions’ or to rescue your child from an argument or misunderstanding with friends or classmates.
Examples:
“Who did you hang out with the most during break today?”
“Who do you sit with in Geo/Eng/Math?”
“Is there anyone you think would make a good study buddy? Do you think you would hold each other accountable?”
“Who is the funniest/kindest/smartest kid in your class?”
“Is there anyone you admire in your grade/higher grades?”
“Is there anyone you’d like to get to know better?”
“Who is always sticking up for others or helping out?”
Getting the Timing Right
After school, during car rides, while sitting on the couch or when out for a walk are often good times to initiate a conversation. Not having to make eye contact can sometimes be easier for kids, especially if they’re tired, emotional, hungry, or decompressing after the school day. Keep it friendly, be interested but not pushy, and gauge your child’s emotional state before you launch in. You might have been waiting all day to talk to them about something, but do they have the capacity to answer you right now? Have home (and you) be their safe space. If they feel safe with you, they're more likely to engage and share their thoughts and feelings.
The trick is to remember these three basic guidelines:
- Ask open-ended questions instead of basic ‘yes/no’ questions. Open-ended questions show that you are actually interested in what they have to say. Yes/no questions can feel like they are being interrogated.
- Asking specific questions instead of broad, sweeping ones, like “How was school?” Specific questions allow your child to focus on one aspect of the day, which is much easier for them to condense into a few sentences. It also gives their brain something concrete to work with, instead of abstract concepts that require higher-level thinking.
- Focusing on questions that are conversational and lighter, instead of heavy, deep questions. These will be easier for kids to answer when they are already tired from all of the various demands of the day.
Remember that they are still learning about life and they are dealing with a lot throughout the day, from the social aspect of school, navigating interactions with older kids, younger kids, classroom dynamics, dealing with teachers, bullies, disagreements with friends, romantic relationships, to the rigours of the disciplinary requirements. Then come the demands of switching between subjects and teachers, and trying to pay attention in each class, regardless of whether they are interested in that subject, sometimes despite the teacher’s attitude, demeanour or energy on the day.
Try to focus on paying attention to every good thing they do or say, and praise them earnestly for that. Be as specific as possible without laying it on too thick. For example:
“I really like the way you helped your sister with her heavy schoolbag.”
“Thank you for carrying your plate to the kitchen and putting it in the dishwasher.”
“I noticed you spent more time preparing for Maths during this exam. How did it go?”
“I appreciate how polite you were to your teacher in Checkers this afternoon. It makes me proud to see you engage with adults so well.”
“You worked really hard to get on the sports team this term, well done!”
Focus on the good things you’d like to encourage and see more of. Direct not only your attention, but their own attention to the good, healthy, positive things they are doing. Praise them for making good decisions, especially hard ones. Express your pride and appreciation for the things they do, for their manners, their kindness, their consideration. These are character traits that will make them good citizens in the future, regardless of what they choose to study or do for work.